


in light of celestial suicide

by Cookie_Cronch (Painful_Panda)



Series: define guilt. [1]
Category: Cookie Run (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Character Death, Gen, Guilt, Homophobic Language, Human Names, I know it's bad writing but egghhh, Loneliness, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character, there's mentions of wizards since i headcanon rocky to be an ex wizard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-20 07:10:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17617832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Painful_Panda/pseuds/Cookie_Cronch
Summary: MUFFIN BOY: I remember you told me that I didn't matter. I know you were just joking around.MUFFIN BOY: But, you were right.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> bad short story but im tired and i dont wanna spell check anything
> 
> TW: there's like a single usage of a slur at the near end of this so, don't say I didn't warn you.

February 10th, 20XX. 11:47 at night. Your hair is a mess, all the lights are out in the apartment and the television was still on commercial break. You're in comfortable clothing since you couldn't be bothered to wear anything else. The snack bowl's empty. Which sucks that you realized this now, the show was about to start soon.

 

You get up and maneuver your way into the kitchen, patting the walls to find the light switch and finally flick it on. Stale chips were the nearest snack to you, so that's what was poured in the bowl. The lights go out again and you make it back to the couch. Slacking off was bad and you knew it. But you've had a hard week, attending to parties you didn't want to go to anymore. It's tiring. But it's your job. How you lost so many ideas at this point, you'll never know. Why was doing what you love getting so hard to do now?

 

The shitty cop show was starting. You finally turn on your phone. Off the bat, the screen flashes with loads of text messages, news articles, and other things. Ugh. That's what you get for losing your phone for two months.

 

One by one, you skim over articles, missed alarms... Oh, hey, your favorite game updated. Check that for later. Then you move on to your text messages. There's a few from Pink. Just questions and gossip, nothing too special. There's Mint too, but he never seems like he wants to talk to you. Carol and Marshmellow don't even seem to bother to check in on you. But wait.

 

296 messages from 'MUFFIN BOY'. Puzzled, you ask who 'muffin boy' was.

 

The show you were supposed to be watching cut to commercial again. You absentmindedly watch a few of the commercials, one about flowery smelling shampoo, another advertising 'health potions', and another about witchy baked goods. It wasn't until an ad for instrument repair came up, a red and white striped guitar popped up. It almost looked similar to...

 

Oh. Muffin Boy is Rockstar, you remember. His original name on your cell was 'Frosting' but he eventually got ahold of your device at some point and changed the contact name. You never bothered to change it. You wonder how he's doing. Despite the fact that he's fucking lame and a complete dipshit, it's not like him to suddenly be so quiet out of the blue. So you mute the TV and call his cell.

 

First ring. Second. Third.

 

Nothing.

 

Why though? Hm. Well, whatever. 

 

296 is a lot of messages. It isn't likely that Rockstar knew about your phone loss. But you didn't respond to him. How can he have the patience to write over 200 messages to you?

 

So you take a look at the first message. It's dated back to December 5, and its February.

 

_December 5th, 201X_

_[7:32 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Hey shithead, do you have my lucky guitar pick?_

_[7:41 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Discodick, I need my pick._

_[7:42 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Haha fuck that rhymed._

_[7:46 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Answer me dipshit!_

 

Why would you even have his stupid pick? Whatever. You read up, still.

 

* * *

 

 

D _ecember 8th, 201X_

_[3:29 PM] MUFFIN BOY: So, you're giving me the silent treatment?_

_[3:30 PM] MUFFIN BOY: You've got no soul!_

_[3:30 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Come oooon dude, please respond._

_[3:31 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Whatever I did, I swear I didn't mean to piss you off that much!_

_[3:32 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Mint's busy with his stuff and Carol is busy hanging with Cocoa, like don't get me wrong, I hate you and shit_

_[3:32 PM] MUFFIN BOY: But you're like, tolerable._

_[3:33 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Ugh! Fine, be a quiet bastard, I can find another way to cure my loneliness._

 

_December 9th, 201X_

_[5:41 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Fingers in his ass, Kanye Wheat he likes, fingers in his ass_

_[5:41 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Dudeeeee I'm booooored!_

_[5:42 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Please respond._

_[5:42 AM] MUFFIN BOY: If you don't respond... your mom gay_

_[5:43 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Hmph, you loser_

_[5:44 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I'm home alone uwu_

_[5:45 AM] MUFFIN BOY: We can watch Netflix and chill out while eating McDonalds owu_

_[5:46 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Seriously? Nothing? Come on, dude._

 

_December 14th, 201X_

_[5:01 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Hey... so uh, you're probably not going to respond and all that jazz. But I'm kinda upset? There was this cool party at Cheesecake's but I wasn't told about it._

_[5:06 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I don't know why this is bugging me._

_[5:06 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Maybe they forgot about me! I can understand why they did, I was busy working on my shit and I'm usually quiet when I'm thinking..._

_[5:07 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I'm not sure if that's an excuse for anything, but I need to believe in something._

_[5:08 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I'm gonna go microwave some stuff and eat it, if you think about responding, please do. I'm still feeling a bit lonely._

 

_December 16th, 201X_

_[12:23 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Mint outright canceled our plans to go out to the trampoline place._

_[12:23 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I don't understand... nobody wants to talk to me. I'm not busy anymore, and I just wanna catch up on things._

_[12:24 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I tried hanging out with some fans of mine, but. I don't know. It's not the same. They only know me as an idol, not Rocky._

_[12:25 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I'm overthinking this. I'm such a nutjob! No wonder I'm being avoided._

 

_December 17th, 201X_

_[1:13 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I tried to ask Mythic Moonlight for advice. All she did was laugh at me and gave me another nightmare._

_[1:16 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I can't even afford to care about these nightmares anymore. They're all the same. I end up dead. And nobody cares. There's also one of me working at Taco Bell but that's beyond the point._

_[1:17 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Sometimes I wonder if I can go back. Peanut Butter Creme was a beautiful spellcaster 'n shit and she wanted her "daughter" to know magic too._

_[1:18 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Well. I did. And I gave up after the first semester. I got disowned and now my sister is my replacement._

_[1:19 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Sometimes I wonder how she's doing. I hope she's alright. I hope she escaped Miss Moonlight safe and sound..._

_[1:20 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Oh, right, I never mentioned that used to do magic. I think I told Mint, but he didn't believe me._

_[1:20 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Hm. Is this what's happening? Am I being abandoned again? Is my nightmare coming true now?_

 

_December 19th, 201X_

_[7:58 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Why, hmm? Why is everyone avoiding me? What did I do? Oh, I know._

_[7:59 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I'm being replaced again._

_[8:00 AM] MUFFIN BOY: You think I haven't figured it out? I know this all too well._

_[8:00 AM] MUFFIN BOY: But why? Why am I being replaced?_

_[8:02 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I was replaced because I couldn't help but be myself..._

_[8:03 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I was selfish._

_[8:03 AM] MUFFIN BOY: But what's different now?_

 

_December 25th, 201X_

_[8:28 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Merry Christmas. I hope your tour is going well._

 

_December 29th, 201X_

_[4:20 AM] MUFFIN BOY: It's so close to the New Years._

_[4:20 AM] MUFFIN BOY: And I'm just eating at Mcdonalds._

_[4:21 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I wish you were here with me. I'm cold._

 

_December 31st, 201X_

_[11:51 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Sparkling Cookie invited us all to the new year's party he was hosting._

_[11:52 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Where are you? I just want to know if you're okay, I haven't seen you ever since the tour, I thought it ended by now._

_[11:52 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Hm :/_

_[11:53 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I wanted to go to the party, but Mint invited Cocoa along and there weren't enough seats for all of us to be in the car._

_[11:54 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I stayed behind. It's probably for the best, no one would even care if I was there._

_[11:55 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I didn't have an outfit picked out, anyway. I hope they're having fun._

_[11:56 PM] MUFFIN BOY: It'll be a new year and I'm all alone again._

_[11:57 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I feel. Sad._

_[11:57 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I shouldn't._

_[11:58 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Maybe it's just me. I'm not good enough, being myself, I have to be better._

_[11:59 PM] MUFFIN BOY: That'll be my resolution. I'm just going to be better than I was before._

 

_January 1st, 20XX_

_[12:00 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Happy new years, DJ._

 

_January 4th, 20XX_

_[5:34 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I fucking hate Fridays._

_[5:34 AM] MUFFIN BOY: That Cocoa fuck is hogging Mint's attention._

_[5:35 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Where the hell did she come from? How dare she replace me._

_[5:36 AM] MUFFIN BOY: It's not fair... I've known Mint longer than she has. I should be the one holding his hand and drinking with him._

_[5:37 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Am I not attractive enough?_

_[5:38 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Hm. I'm not a fan of this shit. But I have to remember to be better than before._

 

_January 8th, 20XX_

_[9:00 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Carol texted me to try Whiskr to go find a boyfriend._

_[9:01 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I don't WANT a boyfriend. I want company._

_[9:02 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I want Mint._

_[9:02 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I want Carol._

_[9:02 AM] MUFFIN BOY: I want you._

_[9:03 AM] MUFFIN BOY: For fucks sake, I want you._

_[9:03 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Kick me or something. Call me a shithead. Call me anything._

_[9:04 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Just. PLEASE COME BACK._

 

_January 9th, 20XX_

_[2:19 P_ _M] MUFFIN BOY: I'm going to attend Carol's play rehearsal._

_January 13th, 20XX_

_[9:29 PM] MUFFIN BOY: OH GOD_

_[9:30 PM] MUFFIN BOY: THAT COCOA BITCH BETTER NOT TELL SHIT_

_January 14th, 20XX_

_[4:23 PM] MUFFIN BOY: She told him._

 

_February 7th, 20XX_

_[5:48 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I'm sorry. I can't do anything right._

_[5:49 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I should probably tell you about what happened_

_[5:53 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Carol's play went well. Marshmallow kind of got carried away with her song but she did great. Mint and Cocoa had done their dance and I just did the lights._

_[5:55 PM] MUFFIN BOY: The FUCKING lights, DJ! They already had a lot of people doing the lights! I was just there! I didn't have to be there!_

_[5:56 PM] MUFFIN BOY: But, the play was over. Everyone was going to the after party and I finally got to go!_

_[5:57 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I wish I hadn't._

_[5:57 PM] MUFFIN BOY: In the middle of it all, Cocoa and Mint were together._

_[5:58 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I felt so sick. I'm happy for them both... But I never got to say anything._

_[5:59 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I'm happy... I'm happy. I'm happy._

_[6:01 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR THEM! :) Do you see this? This is a smile from a happy friend who SUPPORTS THE HApPY couple!!_

_[6:02 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I'm happy._

_[6:03 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I'm happy._

_[6:04 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I just want to curl up in a ball and die._

_[6:05 PM] MUFFIN BOY: ..._

_[6:06 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I did get to talk to him again. Mint seemed so uncomfortable with me..._

_[6:08 PM] MUFFIN BOY: But I told him how I felt. I mean, I tried. About how upset I was that everyone was leaving me alone. But it was hard when he kept telling me to not talk about this in front of Cocoa._

_[6:09 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Well. She was just a witness. I told him about how I fell in love with him since middle school. I told him that even if we couldn't be together in that sense, maybe we both could hang out more._

_[6:10 PM] MUFFIN BOY: He called me a fag..._

_[6:11 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I... Pushed him._

_[6:11 PM] MUFFIN BOY: He punched me._

_[6:14 PM] MUFFIN BOY: And this was a week ago, I can still feel the black eye. The swelling's gone but it still hurts._

_[6:16 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Everything fucking hurts, DJ. I lost my record deal because of this._

_[6:18 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I'm alone again. But I don't want to be alone anymore._

_[6:18 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I remember you told me that I didn't matter. I know you were just joking around._

_[6:19 PM] MUFFIN BOY: But, you were right._

_[6:19 PM] MUFFIN BOY: So I'm leaving a final message for you. It was nice talking to you, even if you weren't there._

_[6:20 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I'm heading up to the old bridge we used to hang at. It's still kinda cold out._

_[6:21 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I hope you're doing alright. I hope your career goes well for you, your music has so much potential. I hope Mint and Cocoa have a happy relationship. I hope Carol's play will make her famous. I hope Macaron and Marshmallow get along soon. I hope my little sister is alright._

_[6:22 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Good luck out there, DJ. I love you._

 

* * *

 

 

You stare at the screen. ' _That can't be right._ ' Rockstar wouldn't just, do that. He wouldn't! You click off the messages and call up Mint's number.

 

It wasn't until the fourth ring is when he finally answered.

 

"Jay...?" Mint slurred, being half awake, "It's twelve, what are you doing up this late?"

 

What were you going to say? What should you say? How do you approach him with this kind of-

 

"W... What are you doing?" You asked, your voice seemed to waver a bit.

 

"What am I- I'm _sleeping_ , Jay. Something you should be doing."

 

"Have you seen Rocco around?"

 

"What? Are you seriously waking me up to start chatting about him?"

 

"Just! Answer the question! P-Please...!"

 

He's taken aback from your tone, "... I haven't. Some things went down and we aren't really talking right now. Carol and Mackenzie haven't seen him around either. I'm not sure about Marissa."

 

"Oh god. Dear fucking hell, Milo, we killed him." You launched yourself out of the couch, grab your coat and keys, not bothering to find the remote for the television and ran out the door.

 

"The hell are you talking about?"

 

You try to calm down enough to speak clearly, "He's dead. Rocco's fucking dead, Milo. I'm going to the bridge."

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second part. My last one, I swear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consistency? Don't know her.

_January 6th, 20XX_

_[11:23 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Do you ever feel like a burden?_

_[11:24 AM] MUFFIN BOY: It feels like... How thick blankets feel like._

_[11:25 AM] MUFFIN BOY: Heavy. Intense. Suffocating._

_[11:26 AM] MUFFIN BOY: No, that's not it. It's so hard to explain such a feeling, really._

 

_January 10th, 20XX_

_[12:17 PM] MUFFIN BOY: My ribs feel like they're going to snap apart._

_[12:18 PM] MUFFIN BOY: It hurts. This binder hurts. It's too tight._

_[12:19 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I can't get a new one. This stupid fucking shipping company doesn't allow refunds on their shit. Why am I so fucking stupid._

_[12:21 PM] MUFFIN BOY: wgf_

_[3:26 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I cut my hand on this porcelain vase I recently got and broke. It's part of my 'merch' line_

_[3:26 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I didn't want it. What am I supposed to do with it? Are vases made from Ribbit Forest considered merch now?_

_[3:27 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Fucking low of them, even I wouldn't buy this ugly ass shit for you._

_[3:28 PM] MUFFIN BOY: Whenever I try to put input into what people might like, I get shot down like a mockingbird on a hunter's tree._

_[3:30 PM] MUFFIN BOY: I could just beat the company's fucking asses I swear._

_[3:31 PM] MUFFIN BOY: This is a pain. I'm gonna go get some more first aid at the dollar tree._

 

* * *

 

 

1:28 AM. February 11th, 20XX.

 

Shitty dollar store flashlight in hand, you parked your purple hatchback on the side of the road. Nearby resides the old bridge. You aren't sure how high above the bridge is from the river. You turn off the engines and step out, your warm breath hitting the freezing air, the fog clouds up your virtual eyes. 

 

_[1:32 AM] MINTY MAN: Hey! I've been calling you non-stop! What the hell happened?_

 

A buzz emits from your jacket pocket. You bite your tongue, texting him back with one hand.

 

_[1:34 AM] JAY D: i was driving sorry_

_[1:35 AM] MINTY MAN: What did you mean that Rocco's dead? What happened to him?_

_[1:35 AM] JAY D: he jumped off the old bridge_

_[1:36 AM] JAY D: i'm going to find him_

_[1:37 AM] MINTY MAN: HE WHAT_

_[1:37 AM] MINTY MAN: JAY ITS FUCKING FREEZING AND DARK OUT THERE YOU COULD GET LOST AND FREEZE TO DEATH_

_[1:38 AM] JAY D: i don't care stop bugging me_

_[1:39 AM] MINTY MAN: JAY_

_[1:39 AM] MINTY MAN: JAY!_

_[1:40 AM] MINTY MAN: JAY!! WE CAN JUST CALL FOR HELP_

 

You turn on the flashlight.

 

_[1:42 AM] JAY D: YOU can go ahead and do that_

_[1:42 AM] JAY D: IM still going to find him_

_[1:43 AM] JAY D: ill see you later_

 

The phone was turned off and back into your pocket. In the light, you make out the private property sign, along with the fence it was attached to. Somehow, you get over it, hurting yourself a bit but getting right back up. It was going to be many miles you were going to walk. You were going to need to hike down a bit too, and you weren't exactly in good shoes for that. But that won't matter.

 

You needed to see him.

 

* * *

 

**_Good luck out there, DJ. I love you._ **

 

6:23 PM. February 7th, 20XX. 

 

Your legs dangle off the edge of the bridge. It's cold and the sky gets darker with every passing moment you watch over what's under your chilled feet. Your phone is at 26%, so you shut it off. It's always so quick to lose power, you ruined your own phone like you always ruin everything.

 

Stupid. Stupid!

 

You take a deep breath. Fog comes out. It's so chilly that the hot air becomes visible. You should've worn something a bit warmer, but there's really no point in that when you know you aren't coming back this time. A black hoodie with those stupid 'rockstar' jeans from old navy certainly didn't suit you all that much. 

 

The driving of cars shakes the bridge so much. You'll never get used to it no matter how many times you went here.

 

You toss the phone out, it falls down into the small world below. No turning back now.

 

Slowly and carefully you got to your two feet, yet still kept looking down. _I've always wondered if this is how God sees this world. Small. Small yet, impactful._ Almost like the abyss of space, but you know there are things down there. If you could just go down there yourself and let the abyss take you. But why are you scared? You shouldn't be. No one will miss you. No family will cry over your dead body. No one will pray for you. No one loves you. No 'fans' ever loved you for who you were. Nobody has ever bothered to know who you were. Maybe that's why everything feels like an act.

 

And here it is, the final act. Wait, no. Not yet. Just. One more thing.

 

A napkin. You kept a napkin with you for comfort. You trace the colorful signatures on it. Mint green, pine green, violet, pink, lilac, ... Just missing the "rockin' red" signature from you.

 

It's about time it was signed. You kept a tight grip on it and brought yourself over the edge.

 

* * *

 

 

2:10 AM. February 11th, 20XX.

 

It's like the traffic above was staying quiet for you to process this. And when you did?

 

You fell to your knees, a small, misty whimper escaped your lips.

 

What did you expect? What did you reasonably expect? That Rocco would be alive and well? Chilling out by the river like he would, maybe holding a frog or a cool rock? Of course not. But you didn't think he'd looked like this.

 

His beautiful white hair, like unmelting snow, splayed and stuck around surrounding leaves. His already pale skin looking so ghostly unreal, like a spirit frozen in time. In a way, he really was frozen in time. Frost coated him, it couldn't hide the blood trail that had poured down his nose. Eyes cloudy and opened, despite lacking natural sight yourself, you could tell there was regret in them. He clutched a napkin in one hand. Upon seeing what it contained, you let out a full out sob, not meaning to drop your flashlight when you did. But it didn't matter to you at this point and time.

 

Even if you couldn't spill tears, you still cried your heart out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr is @dearest-starboy
> 
> I don't feel like continuing this so here's the result


End file.
